LIFE

I've been gone for a while.... not really back...

"Life" has been happening. There are certains things the we have no control of and death is one of those things. It always happens when you least expect it. I know that's a funny way to express it.... I mean, we all know that death is a part of life and at some point we all take our last breath. Some people may argue about what happens after that, but the point is it happens. So even though we expect death we are at the same time not expecting it. It's still one of those things that takes 7 seconds of breath from us while we try to comprehend what will no longer "be".

Last month was my time to really deal with that part of life. Starting with the day I celebrated my 26 years of life. So while I had one life to celebrate I had many to mourn. I always say death is a selfish thing.... for the living. I believe when it's your time to go, you go. The people left behind mourn because of what they lost not because of what the deceased left behind.

I've wanted to write about the things that are going on in my life for a while, but it's difficult. I am not at a loss for words, I think I have more clarity than I've ever had during this blogging experience, but out of respect for the living and the dead I will keep quiet until the time is right to share.

hmmph.......

..... I was just thinking about you.



I want a man who has no problem with me calling him by his name.... no matter how much you despise the name you were given you know that when I say it I say it with sincerity and love. Hearing your name come out of my mouth is the sweetest sound you've ever heard. You know that you cannot be what you want to be based on the name you gave yourself. You know that a name is just that, a name and it doesn't matter who you are or were... it's all about who you are trying to be and changing your name won't make that happen, it's about changing you.

I want a man that doesn't feel the need to pretend to be someone he is not just to impress me. Being yourself is all I need. Besides why would you want to be with a woman that can not accept you for who and what you are. That doesn't make any sense to me. Even if you just want sex, that's fine, tell me... who know's I might be fine with that too, but I guess you will never know since you didn't give me the opportunity to weigh my options with you. I will not lie to you about who or what I am. You might be frightened, intimidated, challenged, but one thing you will never be is surprised, because I will be the same person six months ..... a year... five years down the road. Things and situations might change but when it comes down to it I will be Van to the core.

I want a man that doesn't have to convince me he loves me. If you love me, trust, I will already know.... I am into action not words, so even though it would be nice to hear sometime, you should never have to tell me for me to know. If you tell me you love me and feel the need to follow it up with "I do seriously" then you shouldn't be using certain "L" words with me. Nothing will make me lose respect for you faster than trying to use those kind of words against me.

Just because you say you are a "good man" doesn't mean that you are. Even if you are a good man it doesn't mean you are a good man for me. A good man is only as good as the woman he is with and vice versa.


Feel me?

Funday Friday

I know last Friday I was a little emotional so this Friday I want to lighten the mood with some random fun stuff. I saw this on his site which he got from her site. I see a lot of bloggers get MeMe's I haven't gotten tagged yet so I'm just gonna do a bunch of these blog quizzes and I guess we will find out a lot about me together.

Your IQ Is 110

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Average

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

What do you mean below average intelligence? I am close to genius... I know this because I said I was. lol. Whatever.... it's just a dumb quiz.

You Are 70% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

Stupid quizzes. I already knew I was weird, my friends tell me that everyday.

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor. You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Hmmmm.... Very Interesting!!!

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

I like this one.... and yes I am always behind the scenes... I like it that way.

Your Personality Profile

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart. Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people. You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile. You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker. You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side. Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

This is me.... Van in a nutshell... I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm done with the quizzes for today, but there are like 50-11 of these so I'm sure I'll be back to do some more.






Ok here's one more, but I promise I am done after this.

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Karen

[Warning: This is going to be a long post.... please continue to read and don't forget to comment at the end]

Have you ever seen that movie "Sliding Doors"? You know "Sliding Doors" the movie with Gwyneth Paltrow. No? Ok... well "sliding Doors" is a movie about chance. I would give a brief synopsis but I found this review online and this explains it perfectly. "Look back at all the times in your life when there was a fork in the path to the future. Some sort of decision had to be made, and, for better or worse, it irrevocably altered the course of your existence. From time-to-time, everyone thinks about the roads not taken, and how things might have turned out if the choice had been different. Perhaps even more dizzying to contemplate is how a seemingly minor action -- catching the 10 am train, for example -- could have an equally profound, yet less obvious, impact. Maybe that's where you met your significant other, and, had you reached the platform just a few seconds later... ". Being the inquisitive, curious, reflective, abstract, blah, blah, blah..... person that I am, I have always pondered the "what if's". Like what if I wasn't running late for work that day, would I still have met him or if I wasn't running late that other time would I have still connected with an old friend or when I am stuck in traffic, is this keeping me away from a potential freak accident or something like that? I think about things like that all the time.

So this morning I had an event scheduled at work, but due to a scheduling conflict I had to postpone it.... I learned a long time ago that sometimes you have to roll with the punches because everything happens for a reason. Such an over used phrase, but I find myself saying it all the time and I really do believe it.

I guess you are wondering about the title.... well it was inspired by Karen.... Who? Karen. Who? btw doesn't that Mike Jones' song get on your nerves.... but I can't help but using it when I am trying to interject a little humor. Well anyway..... if you clicked on the first Karen link you will see the post I originally wrote about her... I don't feel like telling the whole story over so please read it, but it was basically about Karen's appearance on the show "Coming Out Stories" on LOGO. The second link is Karen's website which links to her blog.

Well anyway, like I said earlier, an event I was conducting was cancelled so that left me sitting at my desk this morning..... and I got this IM

*brrrnnnng*

Karen: hello there. Is this Curiosity killed the cat.... ?
Van: ummm yes
Karen: hi.. sorry to bother you.. I wanted to comment on your Monday October 17th blog "The word for today is.." My name is Karen...
Karen: I thought it was WONDERFUL and thank you.
Van: oh you are welcome
Van: thank you for reading
Karen: www.karenscomingout.com No! Thank you for watching the show! And the part about "courage" was just so cool!
Van: wow
Van: I'm slow
Van: so you are the Karen
Van: I wrote about
Karen: that's me lol
Van: I feel honored
Van: how did you find my blog?
Karen:
Karen: well.. my producers called and asked if I saw anything on-line about the show because MTV Networks (LOGO) pulled the reigns on media exposure... so i found some posts.. articles.. reviews, etc. and came across yours!
Van: wow
Karen: (my site is almost finished.. if you want to check out the different pages on my sute use the small red words at the bottom)
Karen: (*site)
Karen: wanted to say thank you, really.. I am honored you stayed up to catch the ending! that was great!
Van: please leave a comment on my page.... I would love to pick your brain some more about the subject
Van: my brother came out to my family about a year ago
Van: as his sister I always knew
Karen: really? how did everyone take it??
Van: it's just one of those things you can tell even if it's never mentioned
Van: my mom was horrified just like I knew she would be
Van: very angry
Van: my father actually doesn't know.... we've managed to keep that from him
Karen: awwww... so didn't take it like my Mom, huh?> BUT I understand.... its just not easy Van: but I believe he knows
Van: no not easy at all
Karen: prob the hardest thing i ever did, really..
Van: but one of the best things you could ever do for yourself
Van: I know your life has changed tremendously
Van: for the better
Karen: YES.. and that was the struggle.. I WAS doing this for me.. didn't want to hurt my Mom in her condition
Van: may I ask what her condition is....
Karen: sure! there is a link on the site under the "ask karen" section... its called OPCA its a rare brain disease. Degenerative disorder.. her cerebellum is shrinking and deteriorating
Karen: no way to stop it and no way to re-build it...
Karen: thank you for asking!
Van: ok....
Van: I did research on alzheimers a few years ago.... sounds very similar to that
Karen: yes actually! they call her a condition a "mix" of the brain diseases out there.. most brain diseases cause ataxia.. slowing speech and motor skills...
Karen: someone you know have alz disease?
Van: no.... not that I am aware of
Van: but is affects so many people
Karen: I KNOW.. makes me sad
Van: so that's what I was drawn to when I had to do my research.....
Van: I approached it from a genetic aspect...
Karen: (please tell your brother to e-mail me a little about his "coming out" experience.. I am collecting stories anonymously, of course, for a feature on my site!)
Van: ok cool
Van: I will email him now
Van: that means I have to share my blog with him
Karen: its my screen name @yahoo.com
Karen: LOL
Van: I am so secretive about it
Karen: oh its ok! you don't have to!
Van: no I will.... I definitely want to
Van: it'll be my pleasure
Van: I am just so happy you had the opportunity to read it
Van: and that I had the opportunity to chat with you
Van: I do the blog for me even though I write as if someone is reading it.... so it's always nice to know someone is
Karen: I LOVED the part about "straight A's.. top of sport... bright spot" and NOT what you want to hear at that time! that was great!!!
Karen: it was so nice to reach you.. I wasn't sure if you would have wanted to chat with me or not.. I felt funny..
Van: no you shouldn't feel funny about it
Van: I put the IM icons up there so people would IM me
Van: a lot of times people want to comment but rather do it through IM
Van: do you mind if I write about this conversation?
Karen: i am so glad I did! and no.. please do... that's would be great! would you mind if I sent the link to some friends and/or post it in my blog? (http://360.yahoo.com/grrlzr4me)
Van: sure.... do that
Van: and I will do the same
Karen: great!
Karen: thanks again! really... I am so glad we chatted.. Hope I didn't shock you! Didn't want you to think I was IM'ing you for negative reasons which is my I commented BEFORE I told you who I was.. LOL
Van: I am shocked but in a good way.... feel free to contact me anytime... and I will give my brother your info
Karen: THANKS.... gonna write about this in my blog, too! ha ha Take care of yourself and keep in touch!!!!
Van: ok bye
Karen: bye

seeeeee.... everything does happen for a reason..... maybe it wasn't as profound or life-changing as Sliding Doors or maybe it was, but either way I was able to connect to someone that inspired me in so many ways and that can change my life forever.

Check out Karen's site at:
http://www.karenscomingout.com/
See what she wrote about me at: http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-7CHaGeQ2abSpbu1d3LbvltU-
You can get more show information at: http://www.logoonline.com/shows/dyn/coming_out_stories/series.jhtml

Sorry for the long post and all the links but if you love to link and open multiple pages like I do you need Mozilla's Firefox.... the best thing since Starbucks

I Was Robbed.

I started writing a book a few years ago. No, I am not a writer and I don't have any aspirations of being published anywhere. I was going through a hard time and well.... I didn't have anything better to do. I had just kinda graduated and I was feeling worthless because I hadn't found a job yet and all the jobs that I wanted I couldn't have because I didn't have certain experience and qualifications. The job I was working was 30 hours a week at 8.23 an hour. You do the math. It sucked majorly. Oh yeah the job I had required me to sit at an info desk and nobody wanted any information so that means I sat on my fat a$$ doing nothing all day for 8.23 an hour wasting a degree that I had just kinda earned.

I found out later that summer that I didn't graduate.....that's why I say I kinda graduated. Yes, I'm sure you can imagine all the hurt, pain, confusion, frustration, anger that I felt. No need to get into details about what happened, but I didn't graduate because of the incompetence of my advisor and my lack of follow through. We were both to blame. After I got over my inital shock, I felt somewhat relieved. That meant I still had more time before I needed to find this job that I was supposed to have the minute I graduated from an institute of higher learning.

I was unhappy about a few things going on in my life and in an effort to try and resolve those issues I decided to write about it. They say having a joural helps.. right? Too bad I didn't know about blogging then. Butanyway, I sat down with pen in hand and the first thing that came out was "I Was Robbed". I know you are wondering where that came from and what it means. Well about 18 years ago someone robbed me of my innocence. I was reading her blog about this show and was reminded about that time in my life and all the things I have done since then to rise above it.

I had blocked out the memories for years. I was really good at altering my reality and pretending like certain things didn't exist. One sunny afternoon those memories came back to me with a smile on "his" face. Oh my god! In that moment, years of memories began to playback in my head. I felt sick. I couldn't move. I was stuck to the ground. I managed to get my feet to move but my legs still would not cooperate. After making it home I had to try to figure out a way to deal with all of these "things"that I remembered. I did the best I could do considering the fact that I didn't share my secret with anyone. I remember feeling like I would get blamed for it. I was walking around with guilt for years and if anyone even insinuated something I did what came naturally..... deny, deny, deny.

Years later I shared my secret with my3rd, but first real boyfriend. That lead to somewhat open discussions within my family about what happend and what was to be done to help me. I felt better pretending like it didn't exist so that's what I did. It wasn't until I met my two best friends in college that my attitude about what happened to me changed.

Were you molested? Huh? Wha? Why would you ask me something like that? I didn't realize it was so obvious, but now looking back I see that it was. I would get so uncomfortable when anything about sex was mentioned. I had a hard time dealing with men and was very closed to affection. Funny thing is, I didn't have any problems watching sex on tv or viewing pornos.... yes I was exposed to pornos at an early age, but thats neither here nor there.... so anyway my friends, being the observant creatures they are, called me out. At first I denied, denied, denied, but I was tired of carring around the burden and felt it was time to talk to someone and deal with my problems. That was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I am happy to say that I have been a source of inspiration for others and have been able to help other friends and their families deal with molestation and other abuses.

For more information on the signs of child abuse and prevention refer to the Child Molestation Research and Prevention Institute.

It's Friday and I'm.....

Mad..... Cranky..... Exhausted..... Moody..... Hormonal....... Angry...... Nervous..... Ranting...... Raving...... Hungry...... Thirsty....... Starved for Affection..... and Attention...... Lonely...... Horny...... Sexy...... Wanting..... Waiting..... Needy..... Attached..... Fearful...... but Fearless..... Contradiction..... Hopefull..... and all of these feelings are making me feel CRAZY!!!

You Don't Know My Name

Hello?
Can I speak to...to Michael? Oh, hey how you doin'?
Uh, I feel kinda silly doin this but, uh,
this is the waitress from the coffee house on 39th from Lenox.
You know the one with the braids?
Yeah. Well I see you on Wednesdays all the time.
You come in every Wednesday on your lunch break, I think.
And you always order the special...with the hot chocolate.
My manager be trippin and stuff talkin 'bout we gotta use water, but...
I always use some milk and cream for you, cause...
I think you kinna sweet. (laughs)
Anyway, you always got on some fly blue suit
and your cufflinks is shining all bright.
So what you do?
Oh word?
Yeah that's interestin'...
Look man, I mean, I don't wanna waste your time but...
I know girls don't usually do this,
but I was wonderin' if maybe we could get together
outside the restaurant one day?

I was driving home listening to the radio and that song came on. As I was listening to Alicia Keys talk to Mr. Mos definitely sexy on the phone I was thinking to myself I wish I could be bold and do something like that. But then it occurred to me.... I did do that before. It was so not me, I was so, shall I say daring. I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was a Thursday morning and I was running late for work. I ended up calling in because I didn't feel like rushing to make it to work and if anyone from the Hampton Roads area knows how traffic is by the downtown tunnel in the morning you know why it would have been pointless to rush because either way I would have been late. While I'm getting dressed my mom calls me and tells me she is running late for a conference she is having in downtown Norfolk and asks me to drop her off on my way to work and check her into the hotel so she won't be any later than she already is. Of course I said yes. No, I didn't want to do it.... I was already running late, but it's my mother so I had to. We get downtown and she disappeared into the hotel before I could even get out of the car. I go check her in then they send a hop to come get her bags. Me and the hop get on the elevator and this is the first time I noticed all of his chocolate yummyness. Ummm. Yes he was that good looking. I don't know if he saw something in my eyes, but he started trying to make conversation with me and I did what any girl that is blessed to be in the presence of chocolatey goodness would do... I avoided eye contact and tried to answer his questions with as few syllables as possible. We get to the suite and he tells me to check it out while following me around and making me blush like a school girl. Ya'll should have seen this man. I just wanted to drop to my knees and thank god that I had the chance to see something so beautiful.... I couldn't take it any more.... he was so, so beautiful and making me so, so nervous. Do you know the things I would have done to this man if I were a different kind of woman. Let's just say he would have been in my funbag and I would have used him for nights of endless pleasure. So I thank him and left.....

I know.... I know... punk move.

I finally get to work, but there was no work being done because all I could think about way my chocolatey goody yum-yum eye candy. I mean, this man was so handsome and I tried to rationalize my reasons for leaving so abruptly and not trying to get to know him better to no avail. Yeah he was sexy and all but that doesn't mean he is not an arrogant jerk. I couldn't stop thinking about him so I did what Alicia did..... I called him because... well you know.... curiosity killed the cat. I was so nervous this was not Van, she doesn't do things like this.

He wasn't available at the time I called so I just left my work number (trying to keep it professional) and hoped he didn't call back. Oh yeah..... I didn't want it to seem like I was calling him because I thought he was a yummy piece of man. You see I never tipped him and I figured I'd just call and apologize for that and thank him for his service. Sounds stupid to you? Well it was the best I could come up with at the time.

Dang it. He called back.... and he knew who I was and before I could tell him why I called, he told me I was a very beautiful woman and I was looking very sexy that day... *gush*. I am used to getting complements but this was too much. We exchanged numbers and agreed to talk later.

He called later that night and I find out this man models and is a runner.... go figure. That would explain the Adonis like body. But I also found out he had a girlfriend. ;-( He could have mentioned that tiny detail before I gave him my home number *smh*. So needless to say that was the end of that.

This story might not have the happy ending you were expecting, but it was a happy ending for me. You see I did something that I normally wouldn't have done and that to me is a great thing.

My Love is Like.... Whoa

The title has nothing to do with this post, but as I was thinking about this situation that song popped into my head. Yes. That Mya song. My love is like whoa....

My love is like (whoa)
My kiss is like (whoa)
My touch is like (whoa)
My sex is like (whoa)
My ass is like (whoa)
My body's like (whoa)

You know Mya could probably be a good singer if she didn't sound like she was from munchkin land and why is it that everytime I think about Mya I think about Sisqo or how ever he spells his name. All I have to say about him is ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww and another ewwwwwwwwwwwww for good measure. He is, so, not sexy. I don't know what it is but I break out in hives everytime I think about, see, or hear him.

Ok so the situation that lead to that whole Mya thought was this.... I was thinking about the different stages of a relationship and how you can relate them to making a house a home..... maybe I should have titled this post "A House is Not a Home" or "House or Home" or something like that..... butanyway........

There are a few stages to making a house a home
1)House Hunting- you have to have a house before you can make it a home. In relationships this is the dating/browsing/getting to know you stage. You are still unattached and free to date as many people as you want. No commitment. No contracts. After you find the house or person that looks good for you, you make an offer and hopefully it is accepted. Once accepted, you have yourself a house or a relationship. You know there are a few minor things that need work but overall you are happy with your choice. That leads into my next stage.....

2) Settling In- Ok.... so you decide this is the house/person for you... you've signed on the dotted line. You start moving in, arranging, decorating and everything is going well that is until you realize the walls you thought needed a little painting actually need new drywall, the water pressure is not low because of a valve there is actually a severe leak in the wall. That little crack that you noticed in the corner starts spreading now you have ceiling dust falling on your head. Things start becoming undone. In relationships this is the part where the phone calls become more infrequent, the "I miss you" text messages stop... as a matter of fact you never hear that you are missed anymore. Quality time seems more routine. No more going to the movies, plays, park, etc... all time together is now spent in front of the tv at home. They now answer their cell phone in the middle of your quality time. You realize that they have way too much gas. Their feet stink too. That voice you use to anticipate hearing isn't so cute anymore. The kisses don't linger as long. The butterflies that used to live in your belly are gone. There are not hours of foreplay any more. Sex lasts an average of fifteen minutes. You're ready for it to be over in five. They don't respond to your touches the way they used to... as a matter of fact they wish you would stop touching so much. You start to dress down more when you are together. Your hair doesn't always have to be perfect. You can go a day without thinking about them. You eat with your fingers and chew with your mouth open now. They do the same. Conversations are less stimulating. "Going out" means going to the gas station then to the grocery store. These things don't ruin or end a relationship, but they make you start to question it.

3)Home Sweet Home- nothing or no one is perfect. Sure your house had a few minor or major problems, but it is, after all, your home and you love it and wouldn't change much about it. You realize all the painting, repairs, and changes were a labor of love and you have given birth to something new and beautiful. So your relationship is not the same as it used to be, that's good. Evolution is necessary in a relationship.... we are constantly changing and growing so why would we expect our relationships to remain the same. It's good that you can focus on other things besides them. It's good that you don't feel pressure to always look like you stepped out of a magazine. It's good that you can just chill at home with each other. Money spent going out could be saved for better things like your house.